Fellowship of Augustine

A Place for Catholics and Christians Struggling with Homosexuality


I know that its been a few weeks since I’ve posted and I apologize for that. In the past when I’ve attempted to set up blogs in regards to this issue, I’ve always neglected them, and I hope that I am able to overcome that failure this time around.

This Advent season has been a particularly tough one for me. I had been hoping for a huge infusion of grace and consolation in my prayer life, but that didn’t seem to happen. My prayers continued to be dry and very unfruitful. My hope was for a Christmas miracle, where suddenly I would pray and actually feel something. Did. Not. Happen.

In fact by the early hours of Christmas Eve I found myself treading in the waters of mortal sin. Again. By the end of Christmas day I had done some things that would make the baby Jesus cry. None of these things were things I hadn’t done before, but it was so shocking for me to do them on Christmas and when I was done, nay, whilst I was with another dude, I just shriveled up inside. I shutdown and wondered why the hell my life was turning out this way. I wondered how I could misconstrue the commands of God in order to permit myself to live how I wanted rather than how God wants. I wondered how I could convince myself that my personal pleasure could possibly trump God’s call to holiness, how I could lie and say that God’s chief end is to please every one of my own desires no matter what they were.

Mostly I wondered how I could defy a God who loved my so much that he would take on human flesh and then die for me. In that moment, I just closed my eyes and wished to be anywhere but there. We were done and I left. Alone. Sad. Remorseful. Contrite. Maybe I did get my Christmas miracle after all.



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This entry was posted on December 27, 2012 by and tagged , , , , , , .

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