Fellowship of Augustine

A Place for Catholics and Christians Struggling with Homosexuality

The Physical Toll

Yesterday was a really tough day for me. I guess most days are tough for me. I was waiting for my food at the burger joint and I saw a guy that I found to be really attractive. I’m sure that all of us have been there. He was there with his girlfriend. Suddenly I felt insanely jealous. But it wasn’t just a mental jealousy, but a physical sensation, deep in the pit of my stomach. A fear, a dread, a sorrow, a wound, the knowledge that I could never have him, and not just him, but any man. My jealousy turned into despair as I contemplated the loneliness I would encounter on the road with Christ, should I truly choose to be committed to his Way.

My intellect tells me of course that the road with Christ is NOT lonely. The road with Christ is more personally intimate than any physical and emotional relationship with strictly human beings. The road with Christ is full of Saints who are willing and able to be a part of my life, and full of fellow men and women struggling along just like me to keep me company. It is a lie straight from the Devil himself that without a sexual relationship you will be lonely forever.

Of course, my senses tell me something very different. They yearn for the touch, sight, smell, taste, and sounds of another human being and believe that these are necessary for true happiness. They desire an intimate (and illicit) relationship and they punish me when I deny them by placing a physical sense of despair deep in my stomach, so that I literally feel sick over the thought of sacrificing these things.

But if I place my eyes upon Jesus and force my senses to see his Passion, I realize that in my loneliness I am not alone. In my loneliness I unite myself to Jesus, who was alone as he suffered along the path to Calvary. And when my senses adjust to this reality, they see that it is not just me and Jesus, but like I said earlier, there are plenty of people there, for we all suffer with Christ and with each other, and the passion of the mystical Body of Christ, brings us closer to each other than any sexually emotional relationship ever could.

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2 comments on “The Physical Toll

  1. jmtromm
    November 27, 2012

    Do you have a group of friends that you can talk to and who are there for you through this?

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This entry was posted on November 26, 2012 by and tagged , , , , .

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