A Place for Catholics and Christians Struggling with Homosexuality
“Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet!”
It’s Augustine’s quote, but it rings truer in my heart than one could possibly fathom. It is so hard to live in this culture, straight or gay, and not be bombarded with unchaste suggestions day in and day out. And it is so hard to not buy into the suggestions, that they will help you feel better, that they will complete you, that they will in no way harm you, that they will free you.
It’s even more difficult for the homosexual because we have so much we feel that we have to prove to the world. We have to prove that we are born this way and have utterly no choice whatsoever in our behavior. We have to prove that we are normal and natural. Engaging in unchaste activity supposedly does that, it screams to the world that we love who we are and what we are, and it tells the world that what we are doing is normal, natural, common, and is and unstoppable train that society must jump on or get out of the way. There is so much pressure for the homosexual to engage in sexual activity.
But it is most difficult for the homosexual follower of Christ, because if there is one thing that the homosexual community disdains more than the self-righteous conservatives who oppose homosexuality it is the “self-hating” gay who desires to follow Christ rather that his or her genitalia. It is the chaste homosexual who blows apart the lies of the s0-called gay agenda. But to be honest it is not the other homosexuals who hate people like me that makes it difficult, but it is my own heart and my own past that makes it difficult. Its all of the porn I watched when I started college in 2006. Its the memory of my first man-to-man sexual encounter last summer, and the 15 other guys I’ve had relations with since then. Even now it is difficult to concentrate because of the psychological impact and mark they have left on my brain. A smell, a phrase, a thought, can all trigger a chemical pathway that leads me to make bad decisions.
And so while my heart desires chastity and it desires it in the future, not yet, because my body is having fun. At the same time, though, my soul is definitely not having fun, but is in constant turmoil. And so, like Augustine who was wildly immoral who had a great conversion, I pray through him that God might offer me, offer us, the grace of deep conversion.
St. Augustine, pray for us.